My god, what a week from hell! of mental progression. This week I had to swallow a HUGE piece of ‘Humble Pie’, and found myself reading my own blog for inspiration!
You see, since I started recognising the effects of depression, I realised I needed to get fit. In a small capital like Wellington, the phrase “You don’t need a car in Wellington” is not that uncommon. So I sold my car, went on an island holiday (Yeeeah Samoa!) and brought a push bike. (THEN learnt the phrase was correct, until, you need to go grocery shopping! But that’s another story.) Since then, Cycling has been a huge part of my life. Without it, I’m unable to get my fitness in, and struggle to keep a level balance.
So you can imagine the dismay when I discovered this.
[Why you shouldn’t walk up the stairs in the dark]
An absolute chagrin of blue funk terror swept over me. In a moment of clumsiness, my pride and joy was ruined. And I was mortified. I still am.
I overheard Valerie (my girlfriend) talking with a friend during lunch on Sunday.
“Oh wow, that sucks! Did Sam go mental? Bet there were a lot of ‘F’ words coming from the shed!” “No, he was extremely quiet when he came back inside…he didn’t say a thing.”
That sums up how gutted I was. Since then I’ve been though a hell of yucky, self-depreciating emotions. “Oh boo hoo”, you may say. “You broke your bike, big deal!” Well, it’s more than that. The cycling is a coping mechanism. Training for endurance and race events, and succeeding, has brought me more confidence. So has loosing 30kgs (70lbs) of weight. Keep in mind that depression is essentially a chemical imbalance. So pumping endorphins into my body each day helps to counter-act the ill effects. So the lack of exercise has been taking its toll.
The other problem I’m having is a lack of sleep. I haven’t had anxiety for a while. But damn, you know when its back! The emotion is toxic. 
Unfortunately this is brought on by issues relating to the insurance company. If you ensure something (in this case a $7000.00 road bike) as a specified value item, then you generally don’t expect to be told it is actually insured for Present Value, NOT Replacement Value.
Present value is a great word to hide its actual meaning… ‘second hand’. So why am I paying $1000.00 excess??? I guess we’ll see what I get back. But it’s going to be a long process.
This week I’ve launched myself into several new projects. Namely, to escape thinking about my predicament. But also because doing projects is something I love. Along with making and eating Chocolate Chip Biscuits! And it’s something I have on my plan. Remember my first post? It was all about having a plan of action, in order to deal with life when it’s smothering.
Sometimes things can be completely overwhelming. Even when we do activities we normally love, they can hold little joy. But if you stick at it, and remember your plan, it will give you a road map back into the sunshine. Till then, I guess im following it too.
Dog Dayze 
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